We all have a friend who pretends to make cocktails and who one day offered us something abdominal with an air full of satisfaction. In this kind of situation there are two available solutions to you. The first is to show an atrocious hypocrisy and tell to your host that his mezcal pepper grenadine cocktail is wonderful and that he deserves to appear on P.D.T. (famous recipe book of the eponymous bar in New York). The second consist of a more educational approach, as it includes continuously repeating, using your characteristic pedagogy, the basic rules for a successful cocktail. You must be patient and indulgent because the bad habits of your friends are deeply rooted but this patience of yours should pay back and put an end to the massacres committed from your hosts. So, this guide is addressed to my imaginary friend (my real friends are familiar with the aces of the shaker) who for too long despised my sense of taste. The time has come for him to get to know the rules that cannot be avoided if we wish to create decent cocktails.
A bad recipe will never lead to a good cocktail, something that seems obvious but, I know that while I look away you will search the internet so as to find how to make your favorite drinks. As usual you have to be careful when it comes to the web, but still you persist in misleading yourself by looking for your recipes on motorcycle forums. Your last whiskey sour with a dash of lubricating oil is still across my throat. If you want to fix your motorcycle, the «Passion Honda» forum would be ideal but for your cocktails I suggest you Liquor, Imbibe and Difford’s guide. You can also buy a good book of recipes, if your budget is limited buy 101 cocktails by François Monti, if money is not a problem buy P.D.T. by Jim Meehan and Death & Co by David Kaplan.
I know the reason why your cocktails are nasty; I have provided you good recipes but you stubbornly refuse to invest in a jigger. Do not expect me to believe that you are capable of pouring 5 cl of liquid without a dispenser. Only the extremely qualified barmen can do this, we call it «free pour», and I can assure you that this cannot be improvised. Do me the kindness and buy a good, engraved on the inside jigger. You will find splendid jiggers at Cocktail Kingdom. When you receive it, you will never be deceived again when it comes to dosages. If your recipe indicates a dosage of 6 cl do not add 5! And do not come crying to me, telling me that your bottle has run low. If you do not have enough liquor, make yourself a grenadine or go buy some.
Throw away immediately this gin bottle that you have found at the bottom self of your supermarket, and do not have second thoughts about adding it to my cocktail because I have no desire to go blind. So, run and buy a proper bottle and do not mention the price argument. You will find really good things with less than 30 dollars (Beefeater is perfect for the job). Worlds’ best recipes will be undrinkable if you use low-quality alchocol. Then, you should use your gin for cleaning your sink. Next, stop telling me that it is useless to use quality products at cocktails, it is unacceptable.
Stop turning to miserable ice cubes! Should I remind you that you can have the same result by using the water that flows from your tap? Being far-sighted, keep a drawer of your freezer for your ice cubes and make sure to always have a lot in stock. The last cocktail that you had served me was an abomination. I saw you stir it with two 2 miserable ice cubes in the shaker. I am saying it to you one last time but if you do not add enough ice cubes, your cocktail will be full of a fleet because the unfortunates will have melted so as to refresh your drink. So, you fill your shaker two-thirds full with ice and if you do not have enough, you make a tea or a hot chocolate 🙂
If you respect these four rules, I will forgive you for all the insults you have committed in the past. I could have searched for the smallest details and mock you for the garnish or the glasses that you use but as you are a friend I would not go that far. Anyway, you can serve me your cocktail in a plastic glass with a paper parasol. I will have nothing to say… if it proves good.